Egg Hunt
by nugicorn
Summary: Crack fic. Shepard is mystified and enraged by the Easter eggs she keeps finding around the ship.
Previously posted on my old profile. Happy Easter, y'all.

* * *

Shepard found the first egg in the cockpit. A splash of pink hiding beyond Joker's feet. She couldn't see what it was at first, so she crawled under Joker's console to grab it.

"Hey, Commander, you should buy a guy a drink first," Joker said.

"Ease up, flyboy. I'm trying to—Oh, who's doing this?" She held up her prize, an egg the size of an ostrich's, dyed pink with little yellow polka dots on it. She hauled herself back to her feet, wondering which idiot on her ship had decided an Easter egg hunt was appropriate.

"You, uh … sure there's nothing else down there? Maybe you should keep looking?" Joker looked up at her, overly-dramatic puppy-dog eyes glistening at her. In response, he got only The Stare before Shepard stormed out of the cockpit.

"Please?" he asked as she left.

The second egg, she discovered while trying to have a conversation with Liara. Robin's-egg blue with lavender stripes. That one was nestled into a shelf, half-hidden behind some holos and tablets.

"Do you know who did this?" Shepard asked, brandishing the egg.

"No. Shepard, are you all right?" Liara's brow furrowed. "You don't look well."

"I'm fine!" she shouted, stomping out to the mess hall. "EDI, who on the crew celebrates Easter?"

EDI answered over the intercom. _"I am sorry, Commander Shepard. Religious affiliation data is sealed unless a soldier dies in combat. I suggest that the human crew has a somewhat higher likelihood of celebrating Easter than the non-humans."_

Shepard slammed her face into the hand not holding the egg. Like she didn't know that.

The rest of the day was spent questioning her crew. No one would cop to trying to start an Easter egg hunt. EDI claimed that she had not seen anyone planting the eggs, although some of her cameras were mysteriously unavailable for short periods of time. Making no headway on the interrogations, Shepard gave up on that and started looking for eggs. She asked EDI which cameras had been glitching, and found an egg in each unrecorded room. By eleven o'clock, she had a dozen eggs sitting on a table in the empty mess. Some wise-ass had even found a basket somewhere to put them in.

 _Fuck no. No more Jesus metaphors. I'm sick of them._ Her left eye had started twitching. "Mandatory meeting, mess hall, ten minutes!" Someone had to be set straight.

The crew assembled gradually, shooting concerned looks at each other as they found seats.

"What's wrong, Lola?"

"Sit down, beefcake. I want to know who is doing _this._ " She held up the latest egg, yellow and blue squiggles. Her eye twitched madly. "Look, I'm not going to throw anyone out the airlock. I just need to know."

For a long moment, no one spoke. The silence was broken by Javik. "In my cycle—"

"No one gives a flying fuck about your cycle!" Shepard pulled her arm back to fling the egg at him.

 _"Commander Shepard,"_ EDI interrupted, " _cameras have just gone offline for this room. It does not appear to be a technical error."_

Shepard looked around. Someone had to be turning them off. Who wasn't here?

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Garrus's panicked double-timbers rang out as he rushed forward to take the egg from her.

"It's just Javik."

"No, my eggs. Have you been moving them?"

"Your … your eggs?" Judging by the sudden silence, she was not the only person who was stunned.

"Yes, my eggs. I …." Garrus glanced around, seemingly realizing that everyone was listening into this very private conversation. He grabbed Shepard's hand and dragged her a few steps away.

"I can't help it, I'm in love with you." His face was earnest, but Shepard still gaped in disbelief. This had to be a prank.

"Boys don't lay eggs," she said, her tone more question than statement.

"Well, of course we do! How do your people do it?"

Shepard shook her head. "But you … we …." Her face flushed crimson as she tried to argue her point. She pointed towards his crotch. "But you have a … you know."

Confusion was plain on his face as he glanced down. "My ovipositor?"

Shepard flashed back to last night. And the night before, and all the nights preceding. The things she'd let him do ….

"I should go," she muttered.


End file.
